Here's a summary of the election gleaned from various agonised commentators. Condensed here so you don't have to read it all.
Jeremy Corbyn - He's an honest man, he's not a leader, people don't like him, he's a principled man, people don't vote for him. He's worked wonders. He's lost two elections and he's stuck in the past. But he won the argument... well, he didn't, because the election was the argument. He shifted the narrative. What is this media studies GCSE Module 1? He's a fucking saint... etc etc
Brexit 1 - if we had backed Remain in 2016, we absolutely wouldn't be where we are now.
Brexit 2 - we should have promised to just get it done. like the Conservatives. Then we would have won the North. The North don't like Europe. How would that have worked out in London or Bristol or anywhere else?
Lexit - remember that, the left wing renaissance that Brexit would bring. How's that working out for you? But the EU is racist and lets migrants drown in the sea.
Europeans resident in the UK - we love them. It was Johnson who said they outstayed their welcome. What about the Lexiteers who said they queue jump. Three and a half million people in the UK definitely remember this...
Anti-semitism - Tommy Robinson and Katie Hopkins want to join the Conservative Party and they're not anti-semitic, right? Yeah, right.
But the Labour Party are anti-semitic - But Jeremy Corbyn has spoken out and marched against anti-semitism throughout his entire life. So why didn't he say sorry on Andrew Neil. Thank God Jews can live safe in Britain under the Conservatives who are only homophobic, anti-European, racist, Islamophobic, but not anti-semitic whatsoever, no sirree, bob...
The Media - How long have you got? The lying media, for the last 30 years on Europe. The only reason Corbyn lost was because of the media. What about Blair then. He's the only Labour winner in the last 40 years. Because the right-wing press supported him. He would have won anyway. Oh no he wouldn't. Oh yes he would...
The North - voted Tory, thick as pig shit except in the cities. If you've got magic beans to sell, head up north, they'll buy anything. It's post-industrial, it's gritty, it's northern, they had miners' strikes, it's northern heartlands so they're bound to vote labour. Except they're not. Unless you're in Liverpool. But that's a different country They don't like London up north. They don't like the metropolis. The metropolis isn't white. Ah, I see what you're saying, can we patronise and generalise about the north some more, that will help solve the problem. Sure let's go ahead - everything in the UK happens in London. The money goes to London. That's the real reason. And that's why they don't like the EU and voted for Leave. I've seen videos on it. That's why Brexit. And parachuted politicians like David Milliband who couldn't mark his northern constituency on a map, now getting £600,000 pounds a year in the USA to tell people why Corbyn failed. So it's Blair's fault again. No, it's Corbyn. He's North London metropolitan elite. Because he stands up for justice and is anti-racist and stuff... etc. etc. etc.
Scotland - canny bastards. I wish I was Scottish. You think the Conservatives are prejudiced against Europeans, just wait and see. English establishment nationalism is deepseated and has been around a long time. Why didn't they vote Labour again? Let's not think about that, what about Northern Ireland?
Northern Ireland - the same as above with knobs on but we had 30 years of a small war and there's sea between us and them. As long as they don't bomb the City of London again. But they don't have Labour in Northern Ireland. Or Conservatives. So we'll leave that till later. Agreed? Agreed. Didn't Jeremy Corbyn go on picnics with Gerry Adams? Where did you read that? It's the media again.
Winning arguments - the only argument worth winning is the election. It was lost. Overton doors? It's not doors, numpty, it's windows. Overton Windows. We've shifted the narrative and opened the Overton Window a bit. Fuck the narrative, we lost the election. But we'll win the next one because the window's open.
Momentum - Incompetent at running a campaign, too many messages, secretive plans, not involving people who have experience of winning elections, alienating centrist members, alienating young members, telling people what they should think, telling them to fuck off when they don't think it, getting surprised when that doesn't work out too well at the polls. But remember when Labour MPs were voting for Bedroom Tax and Austerity. We've got principles and we've shifted the narrative. But you didn't win. It's the Overton Window. What about the membership...
The Crowds - nobody gets crowds like Jeremy. Yeah, to watch him lose. He got battered!
The Young - they overwhelmingly voted Labour. Ooh, so they did.
The Old - they overwhelmingly didn't vote Labour. Oh shit...
The Policies - which one, they were so many? And they were all great.
Understanding the electorate - the Tories did this, that's why they had one message, one message, one message, one message. Yeah, but who wants to do that. It underestimates the electorate's intelligence and their understanding of complex policy issues. Exactly, because that works. Who wants to live like that. Better than living under 10 more years of Tory rule.
The Next Leader - Can't be a remainer, the North don't like remaining. Can't be from London, that's a metropolitan elite. Can't be a woman, is that a northern thing or is it just our own misogyny? We need somebody to build on what Jeremy has created. He's created nothing, he's a serially loser, can't be Momentum, that approach has failed. No it didn't, Jeremy got more votes than Brown or Milliband. Yeah but against what...
Boris Johnson - so who thinks we're going to see the liberal, One Nation face of Boris Johnson now he's got a stonking majority and doesn't have to really on crazy right-wingers to get Brexit done? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Fuck me, you agree on something.